Have you ever asked why do moms get angry? Why Dad will swoop in after a hard day at work to be happy and fun and chuck them in the air, and all you can think of is, don’t laugh at them! It’s almost time for bed! Why does it annoy us so much that, even when they’re having a tickle fight or playing catch, making good childhood memories that no one ever hangs up their coats? Or puts their shoes on the shoe rack?
They’re tiny transgressions—small little moments during the day that feel like personal slights, sometimes threats and they mount up and build up before the volcano bursts. I realize that my mom has lost it from time to time, because I do it now, too. Why are we so mad about that?
Well, here’s the truth: because that emotion comes from a place of hurt. Every mom always wants to be a good mom of the children, but when things are out of control, she may get angry and become hot-tempered!
Did you know about anger? Is it really a symbol of something else? According to Psychology Today, anger is “almost never a primary emotion.” The article goes on to clarify that this emotion also has multiple primary emotions behind it, such as “feeling ignored, unimportant, devalued, and powerless,” among others.
Doesn’t that make so much sense? It’s because we feel unappreciated, disregarded, and frankly, invisible sometimes, that we end up spitting fire at our loved ones. Here are some primary reasons that explain “Why do moms get angry?”
Reasons why do moms get angry and ways to cope
You Take Things Personally
For whatever irrational cause, we moms prefer to take a personal threat to disobedience. I say they do this, they do that, and I continue to be insulted by their boldness. Then I remind myself that they are children.
Intuitively, they want to satisfy their parents, but intuitively, they don’t know-how.
If you don’t want to be crazy all day and night, you can’t take their actions and decisions personally.
When you get upset after a certain situation, and before you pounce, take a minute to think about the source of your anger. Are you angry just because they didn’t do what you said?
Calm down and remember, it’s the persistence, discipline, and motivation that gives the desired outcomes, not the terror of your angry outbursts.
Your Expectations Need Adjusting
It’s hard to know what to expect as moms. You don’t want the kids to have a low ball or a big ball hoping on something they can’t offer or not expecting what they should.
This is a work in progress and requires daily tweaking, so if you want your 3-year-old to behave like a 6-year-old, you’re going to get crazy.
You’re Empty And Need A Recharge
Motherhood calls for a great deal of compromise, but I don’t think sanity is one of the things we can sacrifice. There are some things that we need to do only because we need to.
However, we should try to involve ourselves as much as possible in our daytime. If you’re empty and have nothing to share – but still donate – what you’re offering isn’t a present.
Taking a while alone. Get your husband to watch the children or another family member. Put them all to bed early and do something to make you rest or recover. If you can afford it, go on a weekend trip with your mom.
If you don’t, sit down with your pencil and brainstorm, and get what you need to stay safe. Start or continue with certain hobbies.
You’ve Let Things Get Out Of Control And Need A Reset
It scares me to write this, but much of the actions of our children is the product of our own parenting methods. Not all of them, obviously, but they have their own free will.
However, whether we are soft, too rigid, or contradictory, their free will allows them to do actions that are not desirable.
It’s completely natural when we find a strong system, go to autopilot, and then discover that our system needs some tuning. If your home mood starts to get out of balance, I’d say you press the reset button.
You’re Stressed And Need An Outlet
If your escape is a type of hobby (crafty or non-crafty) or a sport, find a way to get out your anger in ways other than bursting with your children.
Often, if you are usually depressed, it might be time to take some more drastic steps, such as guidance or anger control.
I work hard every day to make my house remotely present to the outside world, to prepare healthy meals to decrease stress, and to wash, dry, and hang everyone’s clothes so that they can all get ready in the morning. I clean the sinks, fold the covers and vacuum the rugs. I ask them to do their homework and wash their bodies (all their bodies) and share with their siblings.
So when the people I love—the people I do all this for—walk into the house and dump their stuff right there in the doorway and don’t put it away, or leave the kitchen a mess for me to clean up after I caught the meal that I cooked “tasted horrible,” or leave piles of dirty laundry and Twix wrappers all over their houses, I’m angry. But the fact is, I sense a whole string of other things.
And here’s the next part—an important part—I don’t want my family to burst any more than they want me to explode. To satisfy my desires, such that I don’t feel devalued in my own home. To stop being passive-aggressive, and to expect me to read my mind.
Because no one deserves to live in a house of anger—not them, and not me.
If I sense it’s creeping around my ankles, I need to come to terms with the source. Even if I don’t, and it’s going to make room for my body, and if it’s going to get to my shoulders, and I can feel my jaw beginning to clench, it’s usually not too late.
I have a talk with myself at this time. At least one of my needs is not being fulfilled. And maybe there’s nothing someone can do about it—definitely, there are moments in life where a husband is busy at work, or the children are ill, and Mom has to take all the pressure. There are the “suck it up” moments that the life of the lemons is offering you at the time.
But more often than not, I can do something about my resentment. I can walk or go to a quiet place, take a few breaks, and find out what the hell’s going on. I’ve got to dig beneath my frustration and find the root cause—Am I exhausted? Am I overwhelmed by that? Is there so many on my plate, huh? Are the children failing on their responsibilities? I need to figure out what is making me angry at that moment and then address how to handle it.
It’s not a foolproof way to avoid furious outbursts. We ought to allow ourselves some mercy and recognize that every one of us has a bad day now and then, and we will be forgiven. But if you’re always frustrated—feeling the poor, seething rage that lets you spit fire on seeing a sock on the living room sofa, or whether the kids haven’t been filling a dishwasher as you requested. And if you can determine your original emotion—that you may feel unseen or entirely intangible, or you may really need some downtime, or mark a thing or two off your calendar—then you have terms that you can take to your family to express how you feel.
You know that if your children or partner feel invisible or taken for granted or exhausted or overwhelmed, you will have to take care of them. You will tell them that they are respected and valued and valued. Well, what are you? Don’t you deserve the same thing?