I had this idyllic dream of what kind of mom I am going to be before kids. I might identify the warm fuzzy flashes of my future mother, patient, kind, selfless, meek, and cool. And at one point or another, I really am that parent. Still not all at once, sadly. And definitely not all the time. I had to deal with my flaws as a mother over time. I wonder how can I be a calmer mom and try to find out the best way for me!
Although I can’t be a flawless mother, one thing I’ve been striving on is to be a calmer one. Taking advantage of a consistent, gentle voice and a calm heart, my perspective has been packed with curiosity, not to mention the positive implications for my family. To get away from the hustle, it’s an everyday decision to chase the calmer path. But, when inspecting my own heart and inner motives, I will share those things I have learned
The Reason We Lose Our Cool As Parents
I don’t know how to control their own feelings when behaving like this. I know biting words don’t help children learn to resolve disputes. To cooperate, I know that kids need connections. Calm nurturing is a must in the creation of healthy children.
Yet I have always responded emotionally. Why does this happen? The reality is that the less controlled we are as adults, the more likely we are to respond to our children to conquer their emotions. For starters, the day before, I would have been on the 6-hour flight and would have been working less sleep and less time, which lead me to be an angry mom. It thought it would take too much energy to react constructively to children’s emotions.
Fury and anger are universal human emotions, but this does not mean that you must suffer from depressive feelings. We as adults have a responsibility towards our families and ourselves to ensure that our feelings do not get the best from us. Let’s just face it!
It’s difficult to parenting! It can be extremely irritating if you just want to pee alone or take a shower for over two minutes without seeing tiny footsteps outside the curtain. Otherwise, you can make your child pull out as you tell your child for the first time, to turn off the light as they leave the bed.
One way many parents express their indignation and frustration is to scream at their children. This isn’t because they really want to, but because they get distracted at times, they lose control. At other moments, holler can be better than learning how to become a more calm parent. Studies suggest that yelling at a child makes them emotionally and verbally violent.
As an adult, raising your voice to yell makes them frightened and insecure. Long-term impacts including fear, low self-esteem, and elevated aggression have been shown to result. A calming parent reassures children that, despite negative attitudes, they are cherished and welcomed.
How can I be a calmer mom: Proactive steps to follow
Readiness is half the fight, similarly to other parents. I spent hours researching breastfeeding until my first baby came. I had to know what I did so I could remember the helpful knowledge when I was “in the thick” of it. None of us are going to devote as much time training for the mental stress of parenthood on us.
If, though, I will learn to know for sure that 9,487 times a day my patience will be checked, I can stop being amazed! Before my feelings can seize the wheel, my subconscious can have a strategy to tackle the behavior.
1. Acknowledging That I Am Responsible For My Reactions
We often assume that the kid is the “guilty” one of our angry responses, but the fact is that we are the very ones who handle our feelings and restrain our anger. The distinction is our mental state between the time where we overreact to the actions of our children and the moment in which we can keep calm. Based on what we experience at the time we respond to the same behavior.
For eg, I’m just asking him to be more careful if my son is pouring milk on the table because I feel relaxed next time. Yet I prefer to overreact and say something less emphatically when I feel exhausted or anxious (like “I can’t believe that you spilled the milk again!”, “You always spill your milk”).
Often, my mental state affects my reaction when we must go out and my son refuses to participate. I have more patience if I feel good and am looking for a pleasant way to reassure him. If I’m frustrated, talking with him in a gentle way is more complicated, because I seem to get irritated and aggressive.
It affects me and I can’t be as patient and playful as I would like, even though I can not show it to my child. It encouraged me to be more mindful of my emotions and to learn how to properly manage them because I understood the powerful effect of my emotional condition on how I respond to the behavior of my child.
2. Banish The Excuses
Instead of having our actions, we seem to be living in a moment when it is easier to fault our bursts/lack of self-control over others – especially our children. Social media, in particular, offers a simple means for us to dispel our anger and to meet at least some individuals who are prepared to confirm our positions.
However, when it comes to how we deal with our children, here is something that I realized: the status on Facebook does not matter. How funny “moms get scared” may be the memes doesn’t matter. My children deserve to be handled with dignity and my best efforts. Children’s behaviors are unsuited and completely annoying? This is expected.
As parents, we must leave behind our excuses for our own wrongdoing regardless of how often our children can make us feel.
3. Identifying The Triggers That Cause My Negative Feelings And Preventing Them
The next step after I understood that my emotional condition was critical has been to recognize the causes that normally anger me. I found that after a long day I feel exhausted at times when I am less able to stay relaxed normally in the evening. And I wanted to avoid the triggers and to prevent stressful circumstances.
Two amendments have helped me here:
When I learned that the times when my son is completely uncooperative are some of the main reasons that got me upset, I had a special time together before the moment when I wanted my kid’s cooperation. In this way, I pay extra attention to him and he feels more able to comply. This change has stopped me from getting furious and disappointed many times.
I have also adjusted our regular schedule so that when I need it I can have some relaxing time. I try to alternate times when we play and when I can concentrate on myself and do anything I want. I give him a special toy and activity when I have a break while I’m home alone with my son and feel exhausted or anxious. I just ask him to spend more time with my husband while he is at home, which allows me to relax.
In part 1, we dive deeper in the steps which help a mom calmer and cooler. Let’s saty tuned to part 2 of this thoughtful articles on the mom psychology and be a better mom and raise the positive child of your own!